Money has always been one of the main reasons for couples’ conflicts. Together with sex and ‘the in laws’, it created the “fearsome threesome” - subjects that create havoc, resentment; and bring couples to counseling and even break a couple apart.

Despite the universal impact of finance on individuals and couples - the subject of money is often ignored or avoided in therapy, mostly because many clients don’t think therapists can help them with their financial problems; and at the same time, therapists are reluctant to introduce the subject because of their own discomfort; lack of knowledge about financial matters; and/or fear of invading client's privacy.

However, this is now changing because of the dire economic situation in the country. The subject that was even more difficult to address than sex is taking center stage.

This new reality is not only about losing a job, even though this is definitely one of the most traumatic events in a couple’s life. It can be as simple as feeling the fear of a general economic downturn, and struggling with the anxiety it produces.

Bill and Linda

Bill and Linda work in the banking industry and in computer programming respectively. They have been married for twelve years and have two children.

Despite the fact that they both still have jobs, they follow the news obsessively, and read everything about the state of employment in California. Bill has nightmares about being laid off, and Linda is worried about their financial security even though her boss reassured her that her job is safe.

When they came to see me in January, Bill was told that his company is not going to give any bonuses this year. Bill could not shake off his fears and agitation, despite the fact that their income was sufficient for maintaining a comfortable lifestyle. Moreover, his mood and outbursts were having a negative impact on the family.

In our first session Linda sarcastically put Bill down for his need to draw everyone into "his doomsday imaginary world". Bill who seemed exhausted and impatient, preferred to focus on the "stupidity of spending money on therapy, at a time when they were financially challenged".

I validated his sentiment - agreeing that therapy does cost money, and acknowledged that as a banker, it’s likely he would put immediate practicality over ‘getting a better understanding of his feelings.’ I then said, "It is possible that therapy is going to help with what precipitated your nightmares, your agitation and the conflict within your relationship”.

I then offered, “in times of financial uncertainty, managing emotions is not only helpful for family and marriage; but may also translate into a more effective attitude at work – therefore, actually reducing a source of insecurity.”

Bill chuckled, and his posture seemed to relax a bit. I knew that I got his attention, and I proceeded to talk about the need to commit to a specific number of sessions in order to see some results.

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Bill and Linda were angry with each other at the point of committing to therapy. He, because she did not understand his fears, and was impatient with him; and she, because he had become controlling and dictatorial and, “just not fun to be with anymore”.

After taking a short history, I realized this couple had been loving and functional most of their married life.

However, up to this point in their relationship, they’d had no major financial challenges to face up to – and this type of conflict left them helpless.

Bill’s severe agitation and nightmares suggested some underlying issue. Therefore, I began to suspect that Bill was “hearing voices”.

No, he was not hallucinating or paranoid, but this is my expression for the inner voices from our past that we hear when confronted with fear and insecurity.

I shared this insight with them; and asked both of them to give me permission to work with Bill, with Linda’s role being only an observer.

By that time it was clear that something other than simple job-insecurity had brought this otherwise competent and successful man to his knees – but what was it?

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